Michael Jackson: Hell, Even Iran Has Stopped Going Apeshit for a Minute...

Well, Michael Jackson has died.  In case you didn't hear.  He has always done his best work as a zombie so it is only natural to think that he will have a huge comeback now.  The news of his death has been everywhere.  It even appeared on CNBC's Kudlow Report with notorious bad tie wearer, Larry Kudlow.

Auto-Tune the News: Maddeningly Addicting

Puggling has recently discovered Auto-Tune the News and it is hilariously addictive.  One of our writers has been listening to this all day and still has not gotten tired of it.

Scandal! S.C. Governor Mark Sanford Ups the Bar

In a departure from our ongoing Iran coverage, Puggling is taking a look at the shenanigans of the South Carolina governor, Mark Sanford.  Sanford first made national news when he tried to refuse taking money from the stimulus package.  Most recently he was absent from S.C. for five days while apparently no one knew where he was.  What happened?  He was on a booty trip to Buenos Aires, Argentina.  For five days.  Over Father's Day weekend.  A perfect example of douchebaggery.

Iran Protests: What Do You Love About Your Police State?

While admitting (and then denying) election fraud has quickly become passé, crackdowns, beatdowns, and shutdowns are the new rage in Iran.  Today protests were stopped by masses of riot police and Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has stated that Iran will not yield to the pressures of the protests.  All this got us at Puggling wondering just what are the best things about living in a police state?

Dick Cheney Signs Book Deal: Confessions of a Powerholic

With the news that Dick "Vader" Cheney has signed a book deal for his memoirs, people are clamoring for any hint at what actually went on during the Bush years.  Well, the wait is over.  We here at Puggling have gotten an advanced copy and here are some excerpts:

Iran Still Going Apeshit; Pakistan Jealous

In a not so shocking development, the Guardian Council of Iran has stated that no voting irregularities occurred before the election not during or after.  They have also stated that there was not enough evidence of voter fraud to overturn the election results and Ahmadinejad will be re-sworn into office sometime between July 26th and August 19th.  All the while, leaders of the opposition and people with ties to candidate Mir Hossein Moussavi are steadily being arrested and detained. 

Kyrgyzstan to Allow Use of Air Base

In a reversal of its previous decision, Kyrgyzstan is going to allow the use of an air base to support the NATO mission in Afghanistan.  Previously, Kyrgyzstan had given the U.S. six months to get out, but many believe that this was just a move to increase the rent that the U.S. currently pays.  Annually, the U.S. pays about $17.4M in rent and another $150M in aid.  While the rent will be increased, this is likely to be a deal of "bases for vowels." 

Iran Election: They Admitted It!?!?!

In a flash of stupidity, the Iranian Guardian Council stated that more people voted than were eligible in at least 50 regions.  However they claim that the discrepancy is not enough to affect the outcome of the election, but admitting that there were shenanigans in the election will likely not placate the protesters.  Too many votes were cast?  Apparently the voting in Iran is run by this guy →.  The Iranian regime could at least have stuck to its story.  There are middle school cheating rings with greater message discipline. 

Iranian Election: We Call Shenanigans

Just in case you haven't been paying attention, something smells funny in Iran and it's not just the thousands of people in the desert heat.  In the recent Iranian election, there was a reported 85% turnout and incumbent president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won a surprising 62.6% of the vote.  While this might not be in itself a strange result, the fact that his victory was announced before some of the polls closed, and before many of the millions of paper ballots could possibly have been counted.

This week the Ayatollah went on national television to declare that the vote was not rigged.  Thousands of Iranians are still planning on protesting on Saturday despite the despotic decree that protesters be "held responsible" if these protests continue which sounds like code for "crackdown."  In something eerily out of the plot of V for Vendetta, Iran is blaming outside threats for the internal turmoil and is basically threatening violence on the populace if they don't stop expressing their dissent.  Hell, Iran has its own secretive shock troops called the Basij.

So, when the crowd shows up looking like this → the Iranian regime will need to run for the hills.  While the approach the protesters are taking is mirroring that of Ghandi, the power of peaceful protest is still great and it is doubtful that the Iranian country would react well to a crackdown on peaceful protesters.  The longer these protests continue, the greater the threat to the Ayatollah and the mistake of effectively giving the election to Ahmadinejad could be the turning point and potentially bring about change in the country.

Iranian Protests: Twitter Now Used for Something Other than Talking About Your Cat

The spotty reports coming out of Iran are showing what appears to be a massive protest against the recent elections.  Many of these reports are coming through on social networking sites like Twitter or Facebook.  The Iranian regime is attempting to block access to these sites with very limited success.  There have been thousands of posts on Twitter of video and photos of the protests as well as the violence that has accompanied some of these.  The normal usage of Twitter, blabbing about your stupid cat, is being overshadowed as the amount of these posts grows. 

Much of the organization of these protests is being run through Twitter and today a massive rally was organized in Iran's capital, Tehran, by the opposition leader, Mir Hussein Moussavi.  If these protests continue to gather strength, this will force the regime into a corner and the reaction will likely not be pretty.  The real power in Iran does not rest within the president or with the prime minister, but with the supreme leader, the Ayatollah.  Think of him as one of the crazy cat people on Twitter.  He's getting madder and madder that his tweets aren't being heard over the din of the protesters.  Once he is threatened enough, he is likely to use force to quell this movement. 

Once it gets to the point of force, the situation can become very destabilizing to the entire country.  This will become a power struggle and the entire country could very easily delve into a civil war.  However, if these protests slowly peter out, it is likely not much will change in Iran, and this is how the regime would like this all to end.

Zicam Causes Loss of Smell and Listening to Rush Limbaugh

Today, the Food and Drug Administration has ordered that Zicam be removed from store shelves because it can cause a loss of smell.  Rush Limbaugh hawks this stuff all the time on his radio show.  The FDA might want to investigate whether or not it causes insanity, obesity, irrationality, racism or even straight up dickishness.  This might not be an exhaustive list of symptoms caused by Zicam, so the FDA might need to be on alert for other serious mental disorders.

Iran, Tired of N. Korea Being in the News, Goes Apeshit

With the controversial results of Iran's recent presidential elections, Iran has once again recaptured the headlines.  Protests have broken out after Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claimed to have won a landslide victory.  However, this is truly a blatant attempt to steal back the headlines after North Korea appears to be setting up its next dictator by giving him his own title roughly translated as, "Cuddly Aardvark." 

One protester was overheard saying, "they think they can push us off the front page of the New York Times?"  He then proceeded to throw spoiled cabbage at riot cops.  The outrage over the recent nuclear test and rocket launches boiled over this weekend.  "We are tired of being though to have 'potential'!" screamed one mad protester as she hurled a tomato at a smoldering pit where a Lexus used to stand.  After this fruity display of rage toward the international press community, she attempted to explain her position in further detail, but was pegged with a canister filled with what some are calling chemical weapons, but what we in the U.S. call Axe Body Spray.

In an attempt to calm down the restless populace, the supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khomenei ordered an investigation into the election results.  There is some speculation that a quick end to the conflict will relegate Iran's political maneuverings to page A6 or even A7.

However, at the core of the issue is the fact that the election appears to many to have been rigged.  When asked for comment, expert in being defeated in rigged elections, Al Gore, was unavailable, but over the phone we could hear quiet sobbing in the background.

Zack Morris Still Has It

He appeared on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon the other night.  Everybody knows that Zack Morris is still awesome and the coolest.  Oh, and Slater was kind of a tool.  Beat Valley!

Operation Iraqi Stephen: The Colbert Report in Iraq

All this week, Stephen Colbert is broadcasting his Comedy Central show from Baghdad.  In addition to filming his show in Iraq, Colbert is also guest editing this week's edition of Newsweek.  You can check out clips and entire episodes of the Colbert Report over at ColbertNation.com.

If you want some more info on how the war in Iraq is going check out some of these links:

• Victory in Iraq by Fareed Zakaria.
• Iraq's response to President Obama's speech in Cairo.
• Iraq and Iran, man, they did not like each other....
  

Hammer Pants

For everyone out there who remembers those glorious days when a man (or woman) could wear parachute pants with confidence, this video is for you.  M.C. Hammer would be proud.  (Our favorite is the old guy in the head band.)

U.S. Mulls Intercepting N. Korea Shipping; Seeks More Kimchi

The Obama administration is considering in effect a blockade of North Korea.  In a report from the New York Times, Secretary of State Clinton indicated that this option was still on the table.  Shipping that is suspected of containing materials used in the manufacture of nuclear weapons would be confiscated.  (We here at Puggling believe this is what is referred to as "kimchi.")  The hope is that China would assist the United States in this effort, allowing the use of its ports and airfields.  However, there has been no indication so far that China would be willing to help.

This effort would likely be highly confrontational to North Korea which has already threatened retaliation if such actions are taken.  (N. Korea takes its "kimchi" seriously.)  Currently, its Taepodong-2 missile can potentially threaten South Korea and Japan and North Korea has one of the largest militaries in the world.  These threats underline how seriously North Korea wishes to become a nuclear power.


Stopping the arms trade, which is one of the most profitable enterprises in North Korea, would cripple its already ailing economy.  (The dark area on the map is North Korea.  The lone light is from Kim Jong-Il's night light.  No word on his blankie.)  Analysts suspect that North Korea pumps up to 40% of its GDP into military efforts, leaving its population in abject poverty. 

omg u literally sound like an idiot!

We here at the Puggling team have noticed that there is an assault on grammar.  Now, normally, we don't have a great love of Big Grammar, but sometimes people go too far.  In recent years, there as been a steady movement to use the word "literally" in a vastly wrong context and definition.  If you don't know what we're talking about, you might be part of the problem.  Some examples:

1. I literally just died!  No, you didn't.
2. He literally punched his face in!  Possible, but highly unlikely unless the "he" you are talking about is in a full blown roid rage.
3. I'm about to literally dive into a bag of Oreos.  Now that's just unnecessary. 
   
4. My head literally exploded!  I hate you.

 What is happening here is people are using "literally" when they mean to use "I'm an idiot" "figuratively."  Nobody likes an over-exaggerator.  Now, there are some simple ways to remember when it is acceptable to use "literally."  First, did it actually happen?  If you actually died and are currently speaking with St. Peter, Elvis, or Ghandi, then go ahead, literally is your choice.  If not, you can simply say "I just about died," but fair warning you will sound like Blanche from the Golden Girls.  Second, are you using "literally" for emphasis?  If so, don't.  Third, in the sentence can you replace "literally" with "figuratively"?  Ok, so this one wasn't a way to remember how to use "literally," it was a request.  Fourth, if these guidelines are too much for you, avoid social situations and thus remove the temptation to literally make an error.  (See, it's not so hard!)

Don't Eat That Marshmallow!

The other day we here at Puggling watched a very interesting talk on little kids and marshmallows.  Psychologists place a four year old child in a room with a marshmallow and tell them that if they wait 15 minutes without eating the marshmallow, they will get another one.  Somehow, we don't think we'd last that long alone in a room with a marshmallow.

Obama's Muslim Outreach: A Step in the Right Direction

Today, President Obama begins his tour of the Middle East in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia.  This tour is in part designed to improve America's image in the region, which as the release of a new audio tape by Osama bin Laden shows is still needed.  However, the mere fact that the President is making the effort to have a dialog with the Muslim world goes a long way towards improving relations with the U.S.  On Thursday, Mr Obama is expected to deliver an address in Cairo, one that he promised to make during his campaign last year.  

But that is not to say that there isn't a large gap to overcome.  One of the primary issues facing Mr Obama is the issue of Israeli settlements which are one of the sticking points in the Isreali-Palestinean peace process.  The Arab community wants a statement from the U.S. on these settlements which can potentially drive a wedge between the U.S. and Israel, a long time ally.  Walking this balance will be a difficult path, but opening this dialog is the first step down the right direction.

China To Take on Hummer; Gets Ride Pimped

In breaking news today, ailing automaker General Motors has sold its Hummer brand to Chinese industrial company, Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Company Ltd.  When asked for comment, GM CEO Fritz Henderson responded, "I am shocked.  We actually found people who hadn't heard what a worthless investment this was.  We had thought we were the last suckers in the world to buy Hummer, but no, these rubes from China thought that these monstrosities would make excellent soccer mom cars!"

Mr. Henderson continued, "We even made them take Xzibit!  We told them that he came free with purchase!"  After this exchange Mr Henderson broke out into a fit of laughter and could not continue the interview.  The Hummer brand has been credited with dragging down the GM portfolio with its lane clogging size and horrible fuel economy.  According to industry analysts, the gargantuan Hummer got 5.7 miles per gallon downhill.  In addition to the dismal mileage, the effect when a five foot two woman with road rage barrels down a highway left a bad taste in the mouths of consumers.

Bob Schultz, automobile expert from Des Plaines, Illinois, summed it up best.  "I guess the Chinese haven't seen the Canyonero episode of the Simpsons."

Searching for Meaning in GM

No, this has nothing to do with any deep thoughts on what the will happen to the country after GM filed for bankruptcy this morning.  We here at Puggling are looking for a good acronym for GM.  Mostly we have heard "Government Motors," but quite frankly, that is nowhere near as good as the acronyms for other car companies.  We are looking for something along the lines of a Fix It Again, Tony, or a Fixed Or Repaired Daily.

It could be that a good zinger at GM is just not possible.  The small amount of letters really limits those trying to mock GM's epic fail.  Not since the failure of Studebaker has the difficulty in coming up with a witty retort been as high.  There has to exist two perfect words to describe the situation with a humorous slant.  We really need our nation's top minds working on this immediately so the healing process can begin.