Newt Gingrich's Boat Is Sinking

Newt Gingrich is in debt.  A lot of debt.  His campaign has raised $2.1 million and so far he is still one million dollars in the hole.  He has said that he hoped that America would be as debt free as he was.  As Jon Stewart of the Daily Show pointed out, per capita the U.S. debt amounts to approximately $45,000.  Newt has twenty-two times that rate of debt.  Good going Newtie.

Newt's 2.1 million dollars raised in the second quarter doesn't look that bad considering Rick Santorum only half a million dollars.  However, Newt's campaign imploded in Q2 with much of his upper campaign staff resigning so we don't know when in the second quarter that money was donated.  Also, I did not find out how much was reserved for the general election so that could really put another dent in his numbers.  I expect that Newt will be out soon since he will likely not do too well in the Iowa Straw Poll.

Stephen Colbert on Michele Bachmann's John Wayne Gacy Spirit

Last night's Colbert Report ripped Michele Bachmann and her (actually understandable) gaffe of confusing (actor and tough guy) John Wayne with (clown and serial killer) John Wayne Gacy.

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Michele Bachmann Inadvertantly Claims to Have the Spirit of John Wayne...Gacy

Gaffe prone Michele Bachmann is at it again.  Yesterday she stated that she has the same spirit of a fellow native of Waterloo, Iowa, John Wayne.  Unfortunately for her, it was the wrong John Wayne.  It was serial killer John Wayne Gacy.  While John Wayne the actor represents patriotism and rugged individualism he was actually a racist alcoholic who also was a draft-dodger.  John Wayne Gacy was a serial killing clown who hid the bodies of his victims in his crawl space.  Oops.  Over at Salon.com there is a handy guide to telling the two John Waynes apart.

Dear Newt Gingrich: We Quit Too, Sincerely Your Hopes for Being President

Newt Gingrich was a dead candidate walking weeks ago when most of his senior staff quit en masse.  Now his fundraising director and another top financial aide have departed as well.  The campaign is trying desparately to keep a positive face, but seeing as how Gingrich has little buzz and most of the headlines are surrounding Romney, T-Paw and now Jon Huntsman, the death blow may be looming when the campaign fundraising numbers are released at the end of the month.  Gingrich is a rotting zombified corpse which is now facing a really angry Bruce Campbell.

The Boomstick is the only thing paying attention to Newt.

Newt's campaign has stated that it will step up its efforts in Iowa and Newt will deliver a speech on inefficiencies in the EPA.  Real winner there Newt.  There are two big stories going on today, jobs and the economy.  Unless you plan on releasing dick pics, stick with those topics and how your grand vision will help get our country back on track.  Actually don't.  That appears to be a winning strategy and I don't think you can handle that.

Oh God, Michele Bachmann Is Running for President. Lord Help Us All.

Monday at the New Hampshire Republican presidential debate, Michele Bachmann announced that she is officially running for president.  She rivals Sarah Palin for inane statements and generally dumbs down society as a whole.  If she wins, she will have her hands on the nuclear launch codes.  Scary shit.  Here is a quick list of some of her greatest hits:

1. "Michael Steele! You be da man! You be da man!" - Ms Bachmann's attempt at being "hip."
2. "I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence." - Bachmann trying to imply that Democrats cause swine flu?
3. "Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas." - She's not into "science."
4. "We will talk a little bit about what has transpired in the last 18 months and would we count what has transpired into turning our country into a nation of slaves." - Nor is she familiar with the 13th Amendment of the Constitution which expressly outlawed slavery and indentured servitude.
5. "There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design." - This is the one where she just pulls it out of her ass.
6. "I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out: Are they pro-America or anti-America?" - McCarthyism 2.0

The truly scary thing about her appearance at the debate in New Hampshire is that people actually said she did well.

Newt Gingrich's Campaign Manager Quits...

News just broke that Newt Gingrich's campaign manager has just quit his post.  Along with campaign manager Rob Johnson, key staffers in early primary states Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina have all fled Gingrich's campaign.  Newt's campaign has hit a lot of rocky patches recently and this is another nail in the coffin. 



Pictured: Sinking ship.

 Newt probably sealed this deal when he decided to take a two week vacay just weeks after he announced he was running for president.  This vacation was assuredly well needed since Newt has confessed that in the past the pressure of his political life led him to cheat on his wife.  Well, running for president definitely is stressful so Newt probably was close to cheating on wife number three so he decided to take a break.  Naturally, we could expect that he would probably work a three day work week if elected.

Bad Things Happen in the Bicycle Lane

NYC bicyclist Casey Neistat was ticketed and fined $50 for riding his bike outside of the bicycle lane.  The officer told him to ALWAYS ride in the bike lane.  He then showed how treacherous it is to ride in the bike lane.  (via http://www.neatorama.com/)

Sarah Palin's Paul Revere Meets Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert jumped on the story of Sarah Palin's fuzzy history last night.  Her crazy version of Paul Revere as a gun toting Benedict Arnold is shown to be entirely possible by Mr. Colbert.  While she has insisted that she was not wrong Stephen comes through and demonstrates that Paul Revere could have done just what Sarah Palin said.

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Sarah Palin's Paul Revere: Batshit Crazy

Over the weekend, our favorite half governor Sarah Palin severely botched the story of Paul Revere's Midnight Ride.   She didn't get the actual story or even the poem's story right.  Here is what she said, verbatim:

He who warned the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms by ringing those bells and making sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free.

The only things she got right were: 1.  There was a man named Paul Revere.  2.  There was a horse involved.  According to her, Paul Revere basically did a Revolutionary War style drive by on New England.  He went all Yosemite Sam on a sleeping populace and oh by the way, warned the wrong side. 

Pictured: Paul "Benedict Arnold" Revere

Now, technically they were ALL British at that time, but that's giving her way too much credit considering she thinks the Revolutionary War was about gun control and security.  There were no efforts to put bans on assault rifles and your average hand gun was the size of loaf of bread.  As far as security, the British military was the baddest force on the planet at that point in time.  9/11 wasn't going to happen for another 225 years.  People's biggest security problem was bad drinking water.


Loading a previous save wasn't invented until 1847.

 All this came from a "gotcha question" which was something to the effect of "what have you seen today and where are you headed?"  But don't fret, in true Palin fashion, she has already insisted that she was right. 

The Republican 2012 Primary: Rag Tag Bunch of Misfits.

With recent news of Indiana governor Mitch Daniels deciding not to run for president, the potential Republican field of candidates for 2012 is an interesting bunch.  Most of the potential candidates have not officially declared that they are running (Newt Gingrich, Tim Pawlenty, Ron Paul and Herman Cain are the biggest names that have offically declared).  Running for president requires drinking a potion of ambition, hubris, narcicism and just a dash of wanting what's best for the country.

Side effects: Ignoring your own crippling lack of likeability & dry mouth.

Since most of these people believe that they can win the nomination of their party, they also believe they can beat Barack Obama.  I'm here to bring them down to earth and remind them of why they are unelectable.

• Newt Gingrich:  Former Speaker of the House from Georgia.
• Excused his affair with his now wife on 'pressure' while applying for the most pressure filled job in the world.
• Reportedly told his first wife he wanted a divorce while she was in the hospital.
• Tim Pawlenty: Former governor of Minnesota.
• Who?
• He is really, really boring.  Like Ben Stein boring.
• Ron Paul:  Representative from Texas
• He's old.
• Actually has "ideas" and "ideals."  Both of which do not mix with politics.
• Herman Cain:  Former CEO of Godfather's Pizza.
• A black Republican?!?!
• See above.
• Michelle Bachman:  Representative from Minnesota.
• Will split the Minnesota vote with T-Paw.
• She's bat shit crazy.
• Sarah Palin:  Half term governor of Alaska, former VP candidate.
• Fued with Katie Couric has consumed her efforts for the past three years.
• No time to devote any time to improving on her negatives because she is still reading "all of the magazines."
• Mitt Romney:  Former governor of Massachusetts.
• His health care plan in Massachusetts is what Obamacare is modeled after.
• That should be enough to kill his chances in the Republican primary.  Really.
• Rudy Guilianni:  Former mayor of NYC.
• 9/11 was 10 years ago.
• He's a decade behind the times.